rocknrollslut

just some random writing...  i don't know if it all makes complete sense, but it felt nice to write

---

lonely girl
i think it's time you went home

this light that surrounds you engulfs me into
something i can't recognize
it paralyzes me

all the beautiful light inside me enraptures you
we swim
we swim like two rocks to the bottom of the sea
you can't stop me

feel inside dig it out
put it on the table like a puzzle for everyone to figure out

like two surgeons we split it in two
we wash up on the shore with two wings and gills
some sort of angel that came from a place in the middle
the middle of the bluest clearest seas
in between orange county and los angeles city

we'll fight and we'll fuck
we'll burn this whole city down

we didn't have a chance did we
we didn't have a chance to bury this town in the sea

my oceans i swim are full of different colored fish
brightly colored compared to the dull sidewalks and smog against the sky
we swim against the current
some rain storm in the middle of the sea
in between orange county and los angeles city

always moving...

pack up your shit. put it in a box, or a crate.  put it in a big truck and move to a new part of town.  un pack... what's the point.  just to pack again.. move to a new part of town.  a new room.  fresh hospital wall white paint.  slop on the white.  erase the person before.  sit in your empty room trying to make sense of the boxes.

what is what.  what goes where?  as soon as you feel settled your stuff is back in boxes again.  pack up your stuff put it in a box, or a crate.  put it in a big truck and move to a new part of town.

drunk, and annoyed.

impatient, and ignorent.

all dressed up wasting it on my good ol house shoes.

ignored, and cheated.

simple, and everything you hated.

beautiful, and nothing you ever wanted me to be.

i've been heavily drinking the past couple of days.  a little binge.  i went to a show last night.  two of my friend's bands were playing.  they did well, i'm very proud.  now they're going to be gone for two months.  there's a deep worry in my heart for them.  come back in one piece boys.

you'll be in my thoughts.

woke up late.  again.  i'm starting to sense a trend.  called everyone and their mom back.  too many missed calls when i woke up.

it's hard not to think you're defective when someone you hardly see tells you they're not blowing you off... that they just need "space".  space... hmm.  how much space can you get from a person you never see.  i lost a bad choice in a man for one that ignores me.  is it karma, or fate?  maybe i just lost track of time, and stayed suspended in this place for too long.

"passive aggresive bitchiness.... that i don't need"

"i deserve the sweetest girl in the world"

the world chews up sweet girls and spits them out onto laundry lines to dry.  i'm gooey, red, and black on the inside.  so is everyone else.  i'm made of all the same materials just put together in a different order.  i'm transparent, lonely, and bored.  i need a lightning bolt, a shroud of light, a muse.  can you or anyone else be these things?  i'm not desperate for attention.  just longing for what everyone else does... piece of mind.

in the early afternoon i met up with an old friend who is taking the plunge i wouldn't dare to do.  he's getting married.  when we were kids he asked me to marry him in sort of a joking way, but when we talked of it today he told me that he thought it just might have worked.  in a twisted way that these two very opposite people would have made it work.  maybe that's what love is.  it's not an all consuming passion.  it's compromise. 

passion = lust

a safe bet + commitment = disaster looming

opposites attract?

if there's any truth in the last statement then i've been going about looking for love in ALL the wrong places.  i've been looking around all the wrong corners of my small part of the world.  i can feel an adventure coming on i just can't say what it is quite yet.  it's bound to be fun, but created to break my heart.

i spent the last part of my day driving to downtown long beach with my dad.  i sat in the lobby of an attorney's office that was going to be handling my DUI case.  i grew impatient with waiting.  i imagine hell will be something like a waiting room.  just waiting for your number to be called.  looking at bad wall paper, and crumby magazines spralled across the table.

i felt anxiety when i sat in the big chairs in my attorney's office.  RICHARD L. POLAND, richard l. poland, richard, rich, dick.  he was a nice man.  he seemed like a father figure of sorts.  he called a DUI a "money crime".  it's going to suck all the money out of my pockets for a while.  he gave me advice on life, and an empty envelope that said handwritten in black sharpie "ANTI-DUI KIT".  i'm supposed to put five, twenty dollar bills in it, and keep it with me when i go out.  this will prevent me from getting behind the wheel if i'm over the legal limit.

i'm supposed to walk away more enlightened, but all i could feel was STRESS.  how in the world am i supposed to make ends meet like this?

"ANTI-DUI KIT" why didn't someone show me this earlier?  why?  cause i never would have listened.

listening to : dashboard

feeling : nothing

thinking of : someone who shouldn't be thought of as special

wasted : time

i had a random night filled with alcohol and lies.  woke up to acoustic guitar and singing.  my very own preformance in my bedroom.  we spoke of marriage, and then left it at that.  get ready cause i'm ready to leave in an instant.

slept until the light in my room was bright and it was unbearable to keep my eyes shut.  they fluttered, fluttered, fluttered than sprang open.  it was almost afternoon and i was just waking.  i woke up without care.  free for an instant until reality crept into my head.

o v e r t h i n k e v e r y t h i n g .

we'll hang on the phone and talk for hours.  you make me laugh so hard my sides hurt the next day.  you tell the best stories.  there's really not another person who would have my back like you do.  BFFFFFF.  fucking love you.  you give me a raging clue. bwahaha.

today:  woke up late.went to work.laughed so hard i almost cried.thought less about unimportant things.smiled.smiled.smiled.now i'm home.my dog is barking at nothing.he's in love with me i swear.

the future: my name in lights.

xo.  

woke up.

got dressed.

went to work.

ran, ran ran around until my feet hurt.

ate pizza.

ready to let out frustrations....

ready to get out of the house.

let's see who's going to make the next move.

i've been having so much negative energy around me lately.  it's so annoying.  it's like the second i start to laugh and smile about something...i get brought right back down.

today was kinda cool.  we had my little brother's 11th birthday party today at skate depot.  it was super boring.  i broke my wrist there when i was little... twice.  the same one in fact.  i sat on little colorful benches, ate pizza, and birthday cake.

i wanted to go the the reel big fish show tonight, but it was lame i couldn't make it.  bah. i really wanted to go, but i'm sure there will always be another one.

boys have been making me mad lately.  i need a man not a boy.  drives me insane.

i hate boys.

i hate men.

i hate fred especially.  he's a little douche bag.  if i see him on the street i'll punch him in the face for being a cocky asshole.  i've done it before.  don't doubt me.  

i'm having this strange anxiety... which may or may not be directly related to my DUI. 

i hate anxiety.  it's the worst.  i need to blow off some steam.  too bad i have to go into work.

i need something to lift my spirits.  anyone have a light?

-nix.xo  

-it sucks.

-the food sucks.

-the people suck.

-prostitute slang.

-cops are dicks.

-i hate watching strangers pee.

-that i never want to go back.

sooo the moral of the story is....

my life moves at the speed of light.  if  you don't catch up you're going to be left behind.

i feel as though i keep racing around, and running in circles to accomplish the intangible.  i want to succeed.  i want a million dollars.  i want to be able to trust people.  i want everything to be easy.

easier said than done.

here's a new way for me to talk to all of my friends and fans.

this will be a more personal look into my life.

more personal photos and journal posts.

i love you all. xoxo.